Alchemical Adjustments

After two weeks away for work and to pick up a new car, I find myself back in the city, sitting at my local coffee shop. The hustle and familiarity of this place bring a mix of emotions. I realize how much I’ve missed my family and the moments we’ve shared—moments that felt lost while I was consumed by other obligations.

Why does it take us so long to recognize the masks we wear? We dress ourselves in ideals, trying to project an image of who we think we should be. There’s an arrogance in that, a desire to tell the world, “I do this” or “I’ve achieved that.” I catch myself doing this too, as though trying to sound “holier than thou.” But in truth, no one cares. People don’t believe in you as much as you can believe in yourself. Even when I doubt my own strength, I remind myself: everyone’s playing their own game.

What did Leslie mean when she said I pay attention at a “scary” level?

Last week, while speaking with her, I found myself reading through her nervous tics and subtle tells. I tend to take people at their word initially, but discernment—truly understanding the patterns in others—is a skill I’m committed to honing this year. It’s been a while since I’ve listened to an episode of _Modern Wisdom_, but moments like these remind me of the importance of self-awareness.

I recently shared a meal with Ryan at Chico Malo in Phoenix. Ryan is someone I resonate with deeply. He’s a high performer, always seeking more out of life than words can express. He dreams of starting a business and breaking free from the monotony of life’s routines. I see myself in his drive. Extreme ownership—taking full responsibility for one’s actions—is something that feels increasingly rare. It’s remarkable how God placed both Leslie and Ryan in my path at the same time. These two individuals really sparked a faith journey. Reigniting my commitment.

Analyzing the patterns in my life is daunting. Examining them changes the outcome—a concept that reminds me of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. There’s an inherent risk in observing. Similarly, when we recognize a behavior we don’t like, that awareness plants a seed. It forces us to take ownership and address our flaws. While not everyone chooses accountability, even pointing out hypocrisy can have a ripple effect. Change may not happen immediately, but the seed is there, waiting to grow.

This process feels like agile psychological management—iterating on myself to improve. Taking ownership of my mistakes is something I’ve been working on. Last Friday, my boss called while I was getting out of the shower. He needed graphics delivered to a client. I was already annoyed at the intrusion when he informed me I’d left my badge in the car. My body tingled with dread, and nervous sweat ran down my back. I’m still angry at myself for that mistake. It wasn’t just a bad look for me but also for my boss and the company. These moments challenge my confidence, but they’re also opportunities to grow. You either use situations, or you let them use you.

While listening to a podcast with Wesley Huff, one quote stuck with me: “The law shows you that you are dirty.” It’s a humbling reminder of our imperfections. I had a conversation with Matt, a regular at the coffee shop and a nurse anesthetist. Though he’s a few years older, I’ve always found wisdom in talking with older people. Their perspectives enrich my worldview. Matt shared a thought that’s been resonating with me: “Everyone is smarter than you in at least one subject.” It’s a humbling reminder to give others the benefit of the doubt. This year, one of my main goals is to extend grace—to myself and to others. We’re all human; we all falter. Absorbing rather than abdicating responsibility is my mantra for the year.

One verse that’s been speaking to me recently is Isaiah 30:5: "Everyone comes to shame through people that cannot profit them. That brings neither help nor profit but shame and disgrace."

I rarely write down verses, but this one stuck with me. To me, it means not taking advantage of others. While I strive to be caring, I’ve caught myself joking or pushing too far, crossing emotional boundaries. Learning to read situations better and knowing when to hold back is a skill I’m actively developing. It’s about understanding my audience and learning when to turn my intensity on or off.

In all of this, I’m reminded to take each moment as a chance to grow. Observing, reflecting, and iterating on myself isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.