Fear of the Fall
As I sit here frantically trying to figure out what my weekly blog post will be about I received a text from my friend Ryan and my neighbor Chris this morning. They both texted me about something similar. Commitment to a business idea that I ultimately dragged my feet on, and fell off. This prompted me to reflect on my commitment. Which made me think of a podcast episode I was listening to earlier this week. The episode was a Modern Wisdom and Chris Bumstead one. Chris Bumstead is a multi-time Mr. Olympia winner and the essence of the podcast was about the champion mindset. They were talking about 3 tennis world champions and how they all have a different style. How that style in turn made them great. From that, I understood, that the way to become a champion is by doing it your way. You can copy someone's style and can't expect it to work. You have to figure out the best way for you. Interestingly enough, I was attending a church young adults bonfire last night. I went there expecting to know a few people but by the time I got there people were already in groups and I was by my lonesome. So when I came up I sat down to one of the church leaders named Susanna. As I sat down, someone started to preach and we were sitting near the fire. The wind started to blow and smoke started to drift our way. While we were sitting there we were cracking little quips trying to use humor to distract us from the pain we both knew we were experiencing. I know myself well enough, so I turned to her and said "I am too stubborn to move". So we just sat there for about 25 minutes getting smoked out, inhaling that warm cedar smoke, and getting embers on us. We got smart and moved only after profusely crying. After we moved, we got to talking about faith and our characters. I started asking her questions on how to speed up the process of learning the bible. She did give me some good tips, such as finding other guys to just talk to about faith, but what I think I learned from that interaction is the process is long and you cannot rush it. It is exactly like the example Chris Williamson talked about in his episode. You have to find your way to the top, what works for someone else will not work for you. I think this applies to my faith quite well. Which interestingly enough led me into another conversation with a girl named McKenna at the same bonfire. I want to get better at prayer and that is what I started to talk to her about. Told her I only use prayer when I need to work through something. Almost like therapy, only using it when I need it.
The text I received this morning was simple, but I knew exactly what it was referring to. It prompted a bit of resentment in myself, a sense of failure. The text read "EXRT". It is just too coincidental for me to receive that text the day after I talked to Susanna and McKenna. Call it what you want kismet, fate, divine intervention, God, whatever name you want to attribute to this opportunity that was presented to me. Maybe this opportunity was presented so I could revisit my old failures. Possibly it is a way for me to reflect through old things I never really processed. I choose to believe that.
Ryan and I had the idea of creating a fitness app called EXRT that would allow you to compete with your friends. To spark healthy competition between friends and your gym partner. This was a business idea that I was excited to try and pursue. We had met up a few times, planned out a content calendar, we divided up the work and what we were going to do. I started work on development and then something happened. I got lost in all the planning I forgot to do the work. I think it was something along the lines of paralysis by analysis. I was so worried about the idea of this thing being great I forgot to take the first step forward. I think that happened again with my neighbor Chris. I had the idea of creating a website design business to generate more cash flow. I was eager to start work and find clients. It so happened my neighbor needed a Shopify website for her business. I quickly offered up my services and oddly enough the same thing happened. I got so overwhelmed by planning all the steps, thinking ahead, and setting up times to meet with her and go over the website, and how she wanted the website to look. I got lost in step 18 when I hadn't even taken step 1. I have never really taken time to reflect and see where the mistakes of my failures had impacted me. On some level, this is what this blog post is about. Analyzing where I went wrong and how I can move forward with that knowledge to ensure that the next time I have an idea I can fully execute it.
To me, it might be the fear of the fall. What if I achieve those things that I set out to do? Now I have to live up to this crazy ideal that I set for myself. So I get lazy and self-sabotage myself, to keep myself at a level that is "acceptable" for me. Or it might be fear of failure, I do not like to lose. I mean who really likes to lose, but I am cheating myself at the end of the day.
I know for a fact that those fears have not dissipated from me but I can tell that I am getting better at managing them. There was a lovely quote that Chris Bumstead had "Unwavering confidence is a lie, the fears just don't linger as long". I just love the way this quote is, it is so true and I think the fears are starting to not stick around as much. I still fear every day, but I am getting better at identifying it. At the end of the day, that is enough for me. As long as I get better every day that is all I can ask for.