The Balance of play and Personal Growth

As I write this, it's currently Wednesday, and one of the items on my to-do list is to have a rough draft completed. I’m nowhere near finishing it, but I think I’ve learned something about myself.

I went to my usual hangout spot—a habit I’m trying to break. I want to stop being so involved in external distractions and start focusing on my own life. After watching the _Modern Wisdom_ episode with Robert Greene, I’ve begun to take my life more seriously. My favorite takeaway from the two-hour podcast was, "Cultivate value through scarcity." This is something I find hard to practice.

In this moment of relapse (from my bad habits), I discovered something: I’m actually quite good at play. That may sound arrogant, but what I mean is that I can connect with people easily. I’m a social animal who thrives on banter and enjoys cracking witty one-liners. I love talking to people.

I tend to be really hard on myself, though. I don’t share this much—perhaps because I’m ashamed of it—but I expect a lot from myself, and sometimes I fall short. When I do, I bombard myself with negative self-talk. It’s ironic, considering one of my recent goals is to engage with random people during my walks. My reasoning is that you never know when a simple conversation might brighten someone’s day.

As I type this, I’m realizing my own flaw: treating myself better might be the one thing that saves me from my worst tendencies. Extending grace to myself could help me grow and become a better person. But how does forgiving myself for my mistakes make me better? How does it help me push beyond what I thought was possible?

I don’t have a concrete answer to that—at least, not one I’m ready to share here. I’m learning when to be fully honest with people, as I’ve come to realize that some are just looking to take advantage. In a way, I’ve given them the sword that could slay me. This also ties into my reflections on play.

Last Sunday, I went on a walk with a friend. Lately, I’ve been trying to set expectations as a way to better understand relationship boundaries. I’ve always struggled with what to share and what to hold back. But once I establish those expectations, I can better understand where the boundaries lie, allowing me to "play" within the rules of the relationship.

So why do I feel anxious? My instinct is to confront anxiety head-on, but what does that really mean? Does it stem from insecurity? We all have insecurities, but mine revolve around impulsivity. I struggle to make decisions that I know will improve my life. I choose not to take actions that would push me to the next level. I’m afraid of the fall.