Last week I purchased and received a self-discovery journal from the School of Life. Inside the journal, there was a section on pain and it was followed up by a story. The story was about Androcles and the Lion.

In the woods near the town, there lives a lion. The lion would never venture that far from his normal area, but this year was a little different. The lion started to venture closer and closer to the town. One night the lion was roaring so close to the city the villagers were awoken. This rightfully made the villagers nervous. One of the shepherd townies named Androcles unfortunately lost one of his sheep. As he looked for the sheep he found himself in a cave deep in the mountains. The cave is eerie and dark. In the cave lives the lion, but what Androcles noticed was a thorn in the lion's paw. He cautiously made his way over to the lion, being careful of every step. Androcles removed the thorn in the lion’s paw and the most peculiar thing happened. The lion began to trust the boy, he was able to pet the lion and they ultimately became friends.

I had never heard of this Greek myth, but I was instantly moved by it. I started to wonder what are the things I feign anger to, but are just an exclamation of my pain.

I was sitting in sermon recap last week and they started to go around the room listing off names. For those of you who do not know my name is Trevor Dick. Yes, that is my last name. I have lived with this last name my entire life. I used to get called names in school. Which, to be honest, the first couple of years people called me names I sort of felt hurt, but as I grew up the name decreased in effectiveness. However, when everyone went around the room saying their names I had to say mine out loud. I got super self-conscious. That was the first time in a while that I felt this sense of nervousness around it. I hadn’t felt like that in a while. My last name is not a roar of anger but I think maybe me being judged is. I try to put on this rough exterior where I do not care what people think, and to some extent it is true. I do not care what people think, well some people. I still care about some people's opinions, which I know I shouldn’t. That is something I am working on because I put on this persona that I do not care what people think of me. Deep down though, I know I do care that I am judged.

“Being properly mature involves a frank, unfrightened relationship with one's darkness, complexity, and ambition. It involves accepting that not everything that makes us happy will please others or be honored as especially “nice”, but it can be important to explore and hold onto nevertheless. The desire to be good is one of the loveliest things in the world, but to have a genuinely good life, we may sometimes need to be (by the standards of the good child) fruitfully and bravely bad.”

This quote was taken from a book I read a while back called *Emotional Education by The School of Life*. I hadn’t picked up this book in about a year but something drew me to it last week. After I reread that quote it hit me. People tend to mock or poke fun at the fact that I do not want to live my life traditionally. I choose to work up my twenties acquiring skills and knowledge so that when I am in my thirties I can enjoy my life. Whereas most people I meet in this city have the opposite view of it. They choose to live it up in their twenties not realizing that they are setting themselves up for failure.

I never want to be seen as someone who vies for attention. I find it appalling when people do things for attention, there are so many people I notice just say things for a reaction. They do things to be noticed, instead of living a life to serve you. I have a feeling of never doing enough. Sometimes I reach the end of the day telling myself that I did not do enough. There is always more to do, why were you so lazy? Why are you relaxing? This internal tyrant is the biggest thorn in my paw. That thorn is splintering inside me and I wonder how this is affecting my life?

I worry that sometimes people are out to get me. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people try to eavesdrop on your conversation, not knowing the full context. They try to use a conversation they were not a part of to vie for attention. I think emotionally immature people seek validation from other people, they try to do things that bring them attention. Instead of just living life to how they want to.

The reason I write about this is because a couple of months ago I was talking to one of the regulars at the coffee shop named Matt. I was sitting at the bar alone. When there was a conversation brewing across the other side. I wasn’t involved but out of mouth came a joke that I do not remember. At that moment I said the joke, and Matt walked by. He said something along the lines of “Are you just saying that for attention?”. I do not recall specifically if I said, yes. As I reflect on that moment deeper now I realize I did that for attention. I have grown since that moment and I try to be content with myself.

Ultimately, I want to surround myself with people who help me remove the thorns from my paw — those who offer genuine support when I’m struggling, not those who add to my pain or feed my insecurities. These are the people who will help me grow, not just in my personal life, but also in becoming the person I want to be — someone who is ‘bravely bad’ when necessary, but always striving to be true to myself.