Gone Missing In The Moment

Over the past month I have been living in the moment. Which for me is very wild, because I am always one to think of the future. Which in actuality makes me anxious and I think what living in the moment has taught is that is ok to let go once in a while. you just cannot let it consume you. I have been really hard on myself with choosing when to have fun and when to put my head down and grind. Over the past week I think I have discovered that as long as my core essential routine is intact its ok to let loose whenever I have free time. It really all started when I went to this music festival called Breakaway. It was a really spur of the moment thing, this girl that I made friends with down here texted me the morning of asking if I wanted to go. It was the first time in my life that I really had done something out of my comfort zone. I just said whatever, that night was the most fun I have ever had in my entire life. I said fuck it to all my responsibilities, I am not going to worry about who is going to text me, check my phone and a whole host of other things that were running through my mind. I think I really started to understand what the true term for partying is. I always viewed my form of partying as sitting around at a bar or at someones house as partying. My eyes were opened when I went to that music festival. What I found to be the most energetic is that its impossible to not have a good time when everyone else is having a good time. Its infectious and I do not think that I will ever view partying the same.

I just learned so much about myself and the friendships I have in my life. Most notably, is that I just found myself wanting to share the love with people. I was having such an amazing time, I was pushing other people to have a good time as well. I vividly remember just talking to random people and just wanting them to dance. It was almost like once I filled up all my serotonin receptors, it was overflowing and I was pushing other people to have fun. Even the small group of people that we went with I just wanted all of them to have a good time, I kept egging on everyone to dance. To the point, where someone in our group was getting pissed because she just wanted to be in the moment. Since it was my first time being at a concert and a music festival I was just all for the environment. Even a couple weeks ago I have been going out a lot more and just not worrying about work on the weekends. I have been feeling the onset of burnout. What I am trying to rationalize within myself is that burnout is not a badge of honor. I have always perceived working hard as doing good work. In actuality it is not that, how hard you work does not determine how successful you are going to be. That is something I am starting to come to grips with. Having fun is part of letting your body recharge and that is something I have learned from the moment.

There comes a point when living in the moment is dangerous, I have been running on go for the past month and haven’t given myself time to really digest all these new emotions that I have and how they effect my friendships. The crux of the issue is that I am an overthinker. What these new experiences are showing me is that I get caught up in my mind too much and I need to find something outside my mind that calms me down. I take one thought and unspool it until the very end, which makes me think of scenarios that are not even real. What the moment has taught me about my true character is that I am changing my identity. I am really having a criss of conscious moment, where I can see two sides of myself. The side of me that wants to make my own decisions, but also imposed by the childhood I grew up with. There is this rebellious spirit inside of me that I do not know if I want to let out. To me it feels like there is this second identity inside me that I never knew I had and over the past month of the moment. It has taught me that I do not like the person I am becoming. This person that wants to have fun all the time and stress about 100 different things. I want to be the person who worries about one topic. I was born to make a dent, I don’t want to become someone who only cares about the now. I want there to be a balance and right now there is no balance. It is all one sided about worrying in the present moment.