Ambivalent Ambition

I think the single greatest thing I ever did was proving to myself that I have agency. Even though I only moved away from my hometown 6 months ago I have learned so much about myself. All of this has happened in 6 months and I have not even pierced the veil into deeper self discovery. The things that I am stressing about now were not even on the horizon. Last year, the biggest problem I was stressing about was being fired. Still the thing I struggle with the most is this looming anxiety if I will ever be something. All the friends that I have met here all tell me the same thing. “You are doing so well for yourself. You live on your own, you have a full time job, you make good money.” They may be right, by any objective metric I may already be that. Then why do I fee like I am sinking while everyone else is cheering. I really like the way Chris Williamson explains it. “This is an extra special type of tragedy, a tragedy that unfolds while everyone cheers. Strangling your passions in exchange for an elite life is like being on the Titanic after the iceberg, water up to your chin, with everybody telling you that you’re so lucky to be on the greatest steamship of all time. The Titanic is indeed so huge and wonderful that you can’t help but agree, but you’re also feeling a bit cold and wet at the moment, and you’re not sure why.”. My June post is not nearly as good as my other ones, I just have been super swamped and didn’t find time to work on this. Which I am mad at myself about, I need to keep myself honest in July. I need to prove my word is valuable to myself.