The High performer’s Hindrance
June and July have been some crazy months. I started a new project for work, doing API modernization and managing a team of 5 developers. I have been trying to figure out how to be a better leader and delegate more, as I want to foster a place where ideas are shared openly. I never want anyone on my team to feel like they can’t express their opinion. They are all welcome, their solution is probably better than mine. So that has been a big adjustment. I have also been working one day a weekend at this kava bar for the past 6 weeks. That is lighter work, but I am still working six days a week. I have enjoyed the community that I have started to build at this place. I find it hard to find time for myself and do the things I care about. At the start of the year, I wanted to push my reading goal and learn as much as possible. I started strong reading about 3 books a month, but now I am slowing down barely getting through one book a month. Also, I have not devoted that much time to writing and getting better at the craft. I have still posted an article a month, which was my writing goal. However, I think my writing has been lacking. I need to make a conscious effort to work harder on it. I enjoy writing these articles almost as a digital journal. I like to pick one topic that I have heard about or thought of on my own and try to bake out a philosophical piece. As a way to test my vocabulary and my thought to coherence pipeline. Sometimes it works, and other times my grammar is so bad it isn’t understandable. With that being said, let’s see how I do talking about my battles with productivity debt.
Ever since I started living completely on my own, I have realized it is a fast track for character development. I have learned more things about myself in the past 8 months, than I have in my 22 years living at home. Over the past month or so, I have been in a weird headspace. I think I have been roped into what is considered “hustle” culture and it has been taking a toll on me a little bit. When I drill down, it is similar to the concept of Productivity Debt. I think it is the looming thing inside me that I am never doing enough. I do not know where this comes from, however it is always present in my mind. I try to describe this to friends that I know and they always tell me a similar thing. “You are doing so well for your age, you are going to be fine.” Why does it feel like I am never there? Why do I always feel like I am not going to be fine? These are questions I always ask myself and it is a paradox that I know I am wrapped up in. On the one hand, I do know that I am doing very well for my age. I am not in debt, I have a good job, I have good friends, and have investments. I know that I am way ahead in all categories. On the other hand, something is looming inside me that always says, “There is someone ahead of you.” So there is no time to celebrate, you must work harder towards something else. The new friends that I have made here tell me that I work too hard and need to give myself time to relax. I think what they do not understand is, that there is no off switch. I am always on the go thinking about the next thing. I love this quote that Ernst Hemingway said: “I know you are going to tell me it is all for the best, but I am not there yet.” I love this and it sums up how I have been viewing the people telling me I am going to be fine. From the outside, you all see that I have the right qualities and I am going to be ok. Yet, I do not feel that way. So let me vent and come to that on my own. I want you to give me the grace to find out what is wrong with me and how I am working towards changing those thoughts. This has just been my new frame through which I look through those thoughts. Of course, I know that these thoughts and the way I treat myself is unhealthy. I only realized this, after I started talking to the people I care about down here. Specifically, this girl that I am into. We started talking about chasing something and never doing enough. It was an amazing conversation, she helped me realize something. She showed me that the unrealistic expectations that I set for myself are unhealthy and drain me more. Although, I am not going to write here and say that I am still not hard on myself. I just expect a lot out of myself and sometimes I think that is very hard for people to understand. I just want the best for me and that comes across as flogging myself. She did re-wire my brain on the fact that tracking the stuff you do in a day, helps you realize how much you are doing. I have been trying that for the past week and it seems to be helping out a lot. I have been less worried about what I am not doing and more focused on the stuff that is in my control. She has gotten me into an ambitious kick. Every time I talk to her she inspires me to be better and work harder. She works incredibly hard and is hard on herself. However, she does not seem to be caught up in the winning or losing of it all. She cares about her progress, not anyone else’s. I sort of envy that and I want to learn from her.