The Paradox of Burnout
This past week has been a whirlwind. The kind that forces you to sit down and take inventory of your life. I can feel the onset of burnout creeping in, and yet, I struggle to allow myself the break I so desperately need. It’s funny how we convince ourselves that pushing through exhaustion is a badge of honor, a testament to resilience, when in reality, it's a slow unraveling of everything we’ve worked for.
I know I need to reset. My body is begging for it, my mind is demanding it, but the habits I’ve built—both good and bad—seem to be fighting against me. I need to stretch, get back into the gym, take my diet seriously, and return to the structure that once kept me grounded. Lately, I’ve been slipping, and I can feel it in every aspect of my life. The things that once fueled me are now draining me.
### The Dangerous Reward System
One of the biggest contributors to my current state is how I use my vices as a reward system. It started innocently enough—a way to celebrate small wins, to unwind after long days. But when does a reward become a crutch? I work seven days a week, without a moment to breathe, and in doing so, I justify my vices. I tell myself it’s fine, that I’m managing, but deep down, I know this cycle isn’t sustainable.
The “work hard, party hard” mentality is seductive, but it’s also destructive. Eventually, the body and mind catch up with you, and you’re left in a state of disarray, wondering where all your energy and motivation went. I need to find healthier ways to manage stress—outlets that don’t leave me feeling depleted the next day.
I’ve been questioning what in my routine has actually helped me stay afloat. The things that have provided structure and consistency: posting a blog every Friday since August 17 of last year, working seven days a week, and my routine with Butters, my dog. Taking care of him forces me to step outside, to move, to have some semblance of structure. But beyond that, my mornings have been chaotic. My bad habits aren’t allowing me to build the kind of morning routine I need to thrive. A solid start to the day sets the tone for everything else. I know that, yet I struggle to implement it.
I often feel like I’m going through all this pain for nothing. I push myself to the limits, or at least what I perceive them to be, but here’s the paradox: pushing limits actually expands them. The more you stretch yourself, the more you realize you’re capable of. But when does it become too much? I find myself in this endless loop—trying new things, testing my endurance—yet never giving myself the time to learn from my experiences. It’s ironic. The very thing that fuels me is also my downfall. It reminds me of the Ouroboros snake, the ancient symbol of self-consumption. When you constantly push forward without reflection, you risk consuming yourself entirely.
### Sitting with Discomfort
A moment of clarity came when one of my best friends visited last week. We were talking about anxiety, and he simply said, “I think I just have anxiety.” In that moment, I admitted it to myself too. I have anxiety. It’s there for a reason. For months, I’ve tried to suppress that fact, but instead, I need to examine why it exists. The truth is, I’m scared to.
Rather than numbing it, I need to face it. To sit with the moments I don’t like about myself and ask what they’re trying to teach me. There’s something powerful about acknowledging your own struggles instead of pretending they don’t exist.
### Arrogance vs. Self-Belief
I’ve been thinking a lot about the line between arrogance and self-belief. When people start to hate on you, it’s often because they envy something in you. Some call it arrogance; I see it as belief in my own word.
That’s why I get frustrated when people are late or cancel plans. They gave me their word, and when they don’t follow through, it feels like a betrayal—not just of me, but of the values I hold. But maybe my frustration is actually directed at myself. I struggle when I break my own word, when I set goals and don’t follow through. Maybe I should extend grace to others the way I need to extend it to myself. A cool moment happened this week when I asked a girl for her number. She’s sweet, pretty, and has a bit of a wild side. Normally, I hesitate in moments like that, but today, I just went for it. I didn’t overthink it. It was a small, but significant, moment of growth in my confidence.
This ties back to arrogance vs. self-belief. If you can back up what you say, is it really arrogance? I’m learning that confidence isn’t about what you tell others—it’s about what you prove to yourself.
### Breaking the Cycle
I’ve been smoking more weed than I’d like. I know it dampens my abilities. My routine is out of sync, and I can feel the burnout coming. I need to reset. I talk about discipline and ambition, yet I make choices that contradict them. I claim to want long-term success but engage in habits that provide only short-term relief.
It’s frustrating to see the gap between who I am and who I want to be. The problem isn’t lack of awareness—it’s lack of action. Change doesn’t have to be a slow, gradual process. Sometimes, it’s a decision. A switch flipped. Extreme ownership.
### The Power of Ownership
I had an enlightening conversation with my Senior Manager, Curtis, about company culture. I always thought work had to be strictly professional, but today, I saw it differently. The workplace isn’t just about productivity—it’s about understanding the game, knowing where you have leverage, and building relationships.
This conversation made me think about my own ambitions. I daydream about the life I know I can have, yet I hold myself back. Is that delusion, or is it self-sabotage? I have the work ethic, but sometimes, I choose not to apply it because of fear. What if I can’t live up to my own expectations? But that’s the thing—you don’t grow wings before you jump. You grow them as you fall.
I’ve come to understand that people don’t hate you because they think you’re bad; they hate you because they see something in you that they can’t unlock in themselves. My little micro-community is a testament to this.
This week has been full of lessons. I won in some areas, fell short in others. I’m upset with myself for using substances more than I wanted to. I hit snooze more times than I should have. But I also had incredible conversations, moments of clarity, and small wins that remind me I’m on the right path.
The concept of extreme ownership is liberating. It might not be my fault, but it is my problem. And if it’s my problem, I can fix it. The people I once thought I had to hide from have actually showed me what it means to thrive. Maybe that’s the real lesson here—stop running from yourself, and instead, lean in.
Lock-in season is here. Time to jump.